Well, here at least. It began many years ago when I had to create a vibrant inner life to fill the void I felt. I didn't fit in. There were no kids where I lived, so my only interaction with kids was at school or church. I didn't fit in with kids my own age. In grade school I got along with my classmates, but I didn't truly have friends. All my other classmates lived near to each other so they had grown up together, played with each other after school and on weekends, etc. I was the odd man out. It wasn't really an issue until I went to junior high. You would think that in my classes there would be a few of my grade school classmates, but I really don't remember any of them being in my classes. We had 4-5 grade schools that fed into this junior high and some how I managed to be grouped with kids I had never seen before, didn't even live near, and it isolated me. They all seemed to know each other, and none of them had an interest in getting to know me. It wasn't long before I was getting picked on, mocked and teased. My defense mechanism was to close myself off to everyone. I carried a book with me constantly so I could stick my nose in it and lose myself and shut everyone else out while waiting for class to start.
I also usually had a notebook with me, and I was constantly developing characters, plots and writing stories. That was my escape. Creating worlds I would like to be true, that I wished I was part of.
That was a long time ago. I eventually went to college where I was very surprised that I was welcomed and seemed to fit in just fine. I know that many people found me odd, but that was okay and I was accepted. It helped me blossom just a bit, but that was enough to enable to my husband to notice and pursue me.
So, most of my life is inner dialogue. I keep company with myself regularly, because there is where I'm comfortable. But it's not as rich as it was when I was a tormented kid. I miss that. I don't miss the torment, but I miss being in touch with myself. Falling in love, raising a child, completely devoting myself to roles of wife and mother, while rewarding, has led to me losing touch with myself. I have arrived at the time in my life when I need to make myself more of a priority, rediscover myself and do something with my life that I wanted before life took me in a different direction.
My husband loves and accepts me, but doesn't truly understand me. Right now I'm not sure I understand myself. I want to do some inner work, and the tool I'm going to use is Tarot. This is not something that is acceptable to most of my family and friends. I was raised in a fundamentalist environment. I'm okay with that environment. I have never had any bad experiences. I don't have baggage from growing up in that belief system. But personally, I need a little extra spiritualism, just for me. Tarot is a creative tool that I am deeply attracted to. It has been very comforting to me. Because while I am comfortable in that fundamentalist environment (even though I do not believe 100% what it teaches and personally differ alot in my beliefs, I keep it to myself) I don't fit in.
The more I have pursued the interests I have had since a little girl, I realize that I've never really fit in there or with my own family. I was certainly loved unconditionally, but I still always felt a little bit in a corner of my soul that I was different. I'd like to know why, and I want to explore what that difference means. In it I feel is the key to my personal fulfillment.
So it begins.
